e. e. cummings in French and Sakha

I've been trying to translate English-language poetry into Sakha, mostly out of curiosity, but also because this exercise reveals new limits and expressive possibilities of both the original and the target languages. Because I speak French with my Sakha tutor, I am also in the habit of translating whatever I come up with in Sakha into French as well. I have recently tried to render three poems by e. e. cummings in Sakha, but have only succeeded with one of them. The other two I have been able to render in French, while the huge differences in the grammar and vocabulary of Sakha and English respectively leave me practically unable even to start their Sakha translations. 

The one successful translation is the famous “I carry your heart with me...” of 1952:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I came up with a serviceable French translation first (numerous French translations already exist in print):

je garde ton coeur avec moi(je le garde
dans mon coeur)je l'ai toujours(où que
j'aille tu vas,ma chère;et tout ce que je fais
tout seul tu fais,ma chérie)
                                                je n'ai peur
d'aucun sort(car c'est toi mon sort,ma douce)je ne veux
aucun monde(car tu es belle mon monde,ma fidèle)
et c'est toi que la lune a toujours voulue dire
et ce que le soleil chantera toujours c'est toi

voici le plus profond secret que personne ne sait
(voici la racine de la racine et le bourgeon du bourgeon
et le ciel du ciel de l'arbre qui s'appelle vie;qui croît
plus haut que l'âme ne puisse espérer et l'esprit ne puisse se cacher)
et c'est ça la merveille qui maintient les étoiles séparées

je garde ton coeur(je le garde dans mon coeur)

And finally, in Sakha: 

мин эн сүрэххин кэтэбин(мин маны
сүрэхпэр кэтэбин)хаһан да кинитэ суох сылдьыбаппын(ханна эмэ
барабын, тапталааҕым, эн миигинниин;уонна тугу барыта мин
соҕотох оҥоробун, эн оҥорогун, күндүм)
                                                            дьылҕаны
кутаммаппын(эн дьылҕам буолагын, минньигэһим)аан дойдуну
баҕарбаппын(эн кэрэ аан дойдум буолагын, эрэллээҕим)
уонна тугу эрэ ый мэлдьи көрдөрдө, диэн эн буолагын
уонна тугу эрэ күн мэлдьи ыллыа, диэн эн буолагын.

бу саамай дириҥ ким да билбэт кистэлэҥэ
(бу силис силиһэ уонна үнүгэс үнүгэһэ
уонна олох аатынан мас халлаанын халлаана;кини
эрэнэр дууһатааҕар уонна кистэнэр өйдөөҕөр уһун үүнэр)
уонна бу дьикти сулустары түмэр.

мин эн сүрэххин кэтэбин(мин маны сүрэхпэр кэтэбин)

I'm sure there are still problems with this, but it's a start.

Next I tried the lovely 1961 poem, “2 little whos”:

2 little whos
(he and she)
under are this
wonderful tree

smiling stand
(all realms of where
and when beyond)
now and here

(far from a grown
-up i&you-
ful world of known)
who and who

(2 little ams
and over them this
aflame with dreams
incredible is)

It comes out very nicely in French:

2 petits qui
(elle et lui)
sous sont cet
arbre inouï

souriant sont
(tous les pays
d’où et de quand au-delà)
maintenant et ici

(loin d’un ad-
ulte monde de su
avec moi&toi)
qui et qui

(2 petits suis
et sur eux cela
embrasé par de rêves
incroyable est)

I have no idea how even to begin to render it in Sakha. This reveals an interesting limitation: how do you convey the aesthetic qualities of brokenness, fragmentariness, and childlikeness in a language that you still have only mastered in a broken, fragmentary, and childlike way?

The final cummings poem is “all nearness pauses...” of 1952:

all nearness pauses, while a star can grow

all distance breathes a final dream of bells;
perfectly outlined against afterglow
are all amazing the and peaceful hills

(not where not here but neither’s blue most both)

and history immeasurably is
wealthier by a single sweet day’s death:
as not imagined secrecies comprise

goldenly huge whole the up floating moon.

Time’s a strange fellow;
                                    more he gives than takes
(and he takes all) nor any marvel finds

And in French:

Toute proximité s’arrête, lorsqu’une étoile peut croître

Toute distance respire un dernier rêve de cloches;
parfaitement esquissé sur les dernières lueurs
sont toutes merveilleuses les et pacifiques collines

(pas ici pas où mais ni leur bleu surtout les deux)

et l’histoire immesurablement est
plus riche de la mort d’un seul doux jour:
comme le comprennent les secrets non imaginés

énorme d’or la toute lune ascendante.

Le Temps est un drôle de type;
il plus donne que de prendre
(et il prend tout) sans y trouver une merveille

I am somewhat less satisfied with this translation than with “2 little whos”, mostly because I am sometimes unsure whether cummings is intentionally “breaking language” and descending downward into meaninglessness for a reason, or whether I simply haven't understood the fractured but still extractable meaning. This is particularly the case in the parenthetical line. Once again, with the Sakha translation, I barely know where to start. But for now I'm happy with one out of three. 

Comments

[Crystal Water]

Was it the French or Germans (perhaps starting with the Ashkenazi) that began romanticizing Chinese/Sino in modern time/media, when in comparison the ancient civilizations, such as the Pharaohs and Hindus saw the Chinese race as evil?

Asking due the recent discoveries of cone like female skulls of Chinese genetics (the same genetics found amongst Koreans, Thai/Siamese, Vietnamese, Taiwanese, Hong Kong, etc...)in Germanic burials.

Is that why the Germans were called the Huns during WW2-- due also to their literal genetic connection to the Huns from the East?