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July 30, 2012



Think how I feel--I'm 44 and still haven't managed to finish grad school. Nothing is more ridiculous than a middle aged man who has thus far failed to lead an adult life.


If it helps, at least some of us with a higher potentiality/actuality ratio hope to actualize in a similar manner to how you have and will consider themselves rather accomplished if they manage to get there.


I'm 46. A year and a half ago I turned 45 and quit my irrelevant job and gave up my apartment and have been floating about the country, writing and house-sitting (it helps to have connected friends) and alternately freelancing to subsidize the writing, etc., in a roughly six-months-on, six-months-off calendar. The tenuousness and vulnerability of this mis/adventure scare the balls off of me but prior to it I now see that I was unequivocally dead-in-life, a demi-man, an amalgam of disappointments and constraints and yearning void. Now I'm writing all the time and so full of some otherworldly energy that I freak myself out sometimes. Am I mad? And if so, does it matter? But a bigger question I have is what is the qualitative difference in the potential of a 19-year-old and the potential of a man in the fullness of middle age? Strip out the numbers, would you be able to tell the difference? Does potential decay? Does it have a half-life? What, exactly, is it? It's a thought that crosses my mind frequently as I experience and ponder the tensions of my risk.

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