DHS Agent Limburg: You forgot to check off whether you were traveling for business or for pleasure.
Me: Well I didn't really have much fun, or make any money, so I figured I'd leave them both blank.
Limburg: I think that still counts as pleasure.
DHS Agent Baca: What is the purpose of your trip?
Me: I’m going to Indiana University in Bloomington. You know, Hoosiers?
Baca: What will you be doing there?
Me: I’ll be delivering a paper.
Baca: What is the value of the paper?
Me: Oh, it’s incalculable.
Baca: Sir, if you’re delivering paper in the United States, I’ll need to know the value of it.
Me: Well, I suppose the paper itself is worth next to nothing.
Baca: Sir, what kind of paper salesman are you?
DHS Agent Murkowski: Where are you going today?
Me: To Princeton University, to give a paper.
Murkowski: A paper?
Me: A lecture.
Murkowski: What on?
Me: The existence of the external world.
Murkowski: So does it exist?
Me: I don't think so, no.
Murkowski: Well have a good trip, then.
DHS Agent Samuels: Where are you headed today?
Me: To a conference.
Samuels: What kind of conference?
Me: A philosophy conference.
Samuels: A philosophy conference, huh?
Samuels: So you're like a 'philosopher-king'?
Me: Except for the 'king' part.
DHS Agent Horvath: Where do you reside?
Horvath: What do you do there?
Me: I teach.
Horvath: What do you teach?
Horvath: Oh, I love philosophy. So, who's like your main guy?
Me: I mostly work on Leibniz.
Horvath: Oh yeah? I was just reading about him. Is it true he stole the secret of the calculus from Isaac Newton?
Me: That is a scurrilous slander.
Horvath: OK, just asking.
DHS Agent Newland: Where is your primary residence?
Newland: What do you do there?
Me: I'm a professor.
Newland: Of what?
Newland: Oh yeah? I got some philosophy for you. OK, so, like, Plato said, 'To do is to be', and Sartre said, 'To be is to do', and Sinatra said: 'Shooby dooby do'. Does that count as philosophy?