In
sixth grade I was made along with my classmates to undertake a project
that, we were told, would teach us something about science. Our task
was to obtain a large metal coffee can (Folgers or Yuban, most likely),
and to obtain an egg (chicken, white), and to find something (anything)
of our choice to serve as padding for the egg in the can. Next, at a
specified date and time, Mr. King, the principal of Pasadena Elementary School
(which was in Sacramento, not Pasadena), took all the cans
up to the top of the school gym and threw them off one by one as the
sixth-graders watched from below. Those kids whose eggs remained
integral 'won', and those whose eggs broke 'lost'. The lesson had
something to do with materials science, or gravity, or some other
feature of the physical world whose importance escaped me.
What went into my can? Some flour, some maple syrup, some yogurt, a
sock, a dog's chew-toy, some Jell-O, a clump of hair from the bathroom
sink, some peanut butter, some celery, some chewed BubbleYum, a bit of
bubble wrap, some apple wedges. I would not be surprised to be reminded
that I had peed in the can before sealing it up, though I have no recollection of having done so.
I think I wanted the inside of the can to be a sort of microcosm, to
duplicate the outer world of qualitative variety and complexity in
which eggs thrive. I seem to have believed that if one of the
ingredients could not come to the egg's rescue, another surely would,
and that that saving ingredient, whether the peanut butter or the sock,
needed only to be represented in a token amount. To say that this was a
primitive sort of thinking would not be the half of it. It bore obvious
affinities to voudun and like practices, but rather than
creating a double of some particular person or thing, I wanted nothing
less than to bring into being a fetish object of the world itself.
In a sense, this has been my approach to every project I have taken on
since, whether creative or scholarly. In the hope of protecting against
failure, I throw in everything available. If this footnote doesn't save me, that one will. In
the end I want everything, no matter how remotely connected to the
topic at hand, to get its mention. I don't think this makes my work
bad, in any case I hope it doesn't, though it does obligate me to
constantly keep a natural inclination in check.
What stuns me now when I think about this incident is how utterly
inflexible personality is, and how consistently a deep, generally
invisible pattern is able to determine the way a person performs in
seemingly unconnected spheres of life. The recipe I threw together for
that can was a rough draft of everything I have ever written. But how
can it be that a lump of yogurt placed in a can in 1984 can come from
the same place in a person's psyche as does a footnote 26 years later?
The answer to this question probably lies somewhere in Spinoza, as the
devotion to an everything-in-everything vision of the world leads
directly back to Leibniz. With Spinoza, I strive to simply ride
out this determined state of affairs, rather than to bemoan it as some
sort of malediction, and with Horace I accept that, while you can drive
out your own nature with a pitchfork, it always comes roaring back
again.
It might be worth mentioning that my egg broke. It didn't just
crack. Its yolk had so thoroughly intermingled with the disgusting mass
of slop in which I had encased it, one would have thought I had included among my fetish object's many fluids a spoonful of hollandaise.
Other boys, who had used nothing but space-age synthetic materials and
whose eggs came out whole, were praised as rocket scientists and as
future astronauts. They applauded one another heartily, shutting me and
my freaky voodoo can out of the post-launch cheer altogether. The girls
had wrapped their eggs in silks and cottonballs, and were weeping over
their near universal failure to bring them down to earth in one piece.
It was as if the poor lasses had confused this science experiment with
another one that would come a few years later, in sex ed, when the egg
transforms not into an astronaut reentering the earth's atmosphere, but
a delicate infant.
Here is what I wish I had done: rather than surrounding the egg with
the microcosmic principles of everything, I should have allowed only
the principle of the egg itself into the can. I should have filled the
can with nothing but eggs (a large Yuban can would probably hold 12-15
of them). Surely not every egg would break in any given toss. I could
select one that did not break and call it 'my' egg. This would be a
properly philosophical approach, one that the public-school teachers of
modest intellect would no doubt try to disqualify. I would have loved to
see them contorting themselves to explain why, though I had pulled a
whole egg out of my launched can, I had nonetheless not respected the
spirit of the assignment. But it took me a full quarter century to come
up with this idea, and at this point no one wants to see me throwing
anything at all off the roof, no matter how philosophical.
But maybe it's not too late to write a book that would be the
intellectual equivalent of an egg-only can? What would that look like,
I wonder? How could I even get started?